hp_shoreofangst | [Fest Fic:] Loss of Control {Lucius, Luna}

Title: Loss Of Control
Author:

monkiainen
Rating: Teen
Prompt: Prompt# A01
Characters: Lucius, Luna
Era (Time it plays if you want to state): The Golden Trio Era
Word Count: 1010
Content/Warning(s): Highlight to read*Mentions of torture, humiliation, desperation, wetting, use of Cruciatus curse, use of curses as a torture, PTSD*
Summary: Lucius finds out the hard way what it's like to be the one outside the inner circle.
Author's Note: This not a pretty fic, nor there isn't a handy fix-it-all solution to everything. The warnings are there for a reason.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Loss of Control

Things were never going to be the same.

Once the proud head of the Malfoy family, Lucius was now a shadow of his former self. And yet people were saying he hadn't been punished enough for what he had done during the Second Wizarding War. If only they knew the truth.

One of Voldemort's greatest pleasures had been tormenting those who he had felt had done something stupid or unforgivable. During the First War Lucius had laughed among everyone else to those fools feeling the wrath of their Master, thinking how someone could be stupid enough to anger Voldemort and thanking Merlin that he was smarter than that.

But everything changed when Voldemort rose again.

Suddenly Lucius discovered he wasn't amongst the favourites anymore. No, he was only a tool, a nameless Death Eater among the others. The reason for the punishment? Lucius hadn't searched for his lost Master, but had continued life as usual, making sure his family had everything they needed.

Now people like Pettigrew were in favour, and for what reason? For being a coward and hiding in plain sight as a rat for many years? What about Lucius and all the things he had done for the cause? Making connections, raising money? It seemed like it was all in vain.

Bellatrix was glued to the Voldemort's side, whispering lies and make-believes, painting Lucius in a bad light. And Voldemort believed her because Bellatrix had proudly gone to Azkaban when Lucius hadn't. Rumours were that Bellatrix was something more to Voldemort than his most loyal Death Eater – a Lady of Darkness, destined to rule the wizarding world by his side. It didn't matter that Bellatrix was already married to Rodolphus because if Voldemort wanted Bellatrix he would get her no matter what.

Cruciatus was Voldemort's favourite curse. Lucius has been subjected to it so many times but it still hurts like it was his first time. The pain just goes on and on and on, and it never diminishes. It lingers to you even days, weeks after you were subjected to it. No wonder Longbottoms went inside, Lucius thinks to himself one night when he is once again everyone's favourite toy they can torment anyway they want.

Lucius has learned to wear clothes that are easily cleaned and don't show any stains. He will never forget the humiliation when he wetted himself in front of everyone after a particularly nasty curse Bellatrix threw his way one night. It made his bladder suddenly fill to the brim and Lucius was so desperate to piss, so desperate he thought he would never make it to the toilet on time. But before he could leave the company and relieve himself, Bellatrix had magically tied him to the center of the room and watched with glee in her eyes when Lucius wasn't able to stop the pee from flowing freely.

Sometimes Lucius could have sworn his robes still reeked of piss, no matter how many times they had been washed. So one night he burns them in the yard of the Malfoy Manor, watching the dark smoke rising from the ashes. The smell might have been gone, but the nightmares weren't.

Sleeping wasn't an option, not when Lucius couldn't rest properly. Dreamless Sleep only helped so much, and Lucius knows he has to stay alert all the time, just in case Bellatrix gets any mad ideas.

So it is with the help of Pepper-Up and something Muggles called "coffee" and "energy drinks" that keeps Lucius going, day after day. Sure, he is a bit sluggish at times, but it is a small cost if not sleeping will keep him alive.

Food… it is a bad idea to eat anything you haven’t prepared yourself. Sometimes Lucius wonders if Mad-Eye Moody had been right all along with his "constant vigilance" blabbering because that's how Lucius feels.

He can't cook, of course he can't, pure-blooded wizards don't do such things when they have someone else to do it for them. Eating out in a place like Leaky Cauldron is out of the question, for various reasons. So Lucius does the only thing he can and starts stealing food from the Muggles – at least they wouldn't know how to poison him magically. Sometimes it is just a couple of raw potatoes, sometimes it is a basket full of mushrooms that Lucius gets his hands into. It isn't exactly the high cuisine Lucius is used to, but when hunger is gnawing his guts Lucius eats whatever is available.

Then the impossible happens and Potter is able to get rid of the Dark Lord for good. Lucius should be happy, overjoyed, but he can't be. Not when people will hear all about his humiliation when the other Dark Eaters are standing in a trial. He should run, he should hide, he should let the wizarding world forget all about him.

It's not Narcissa nor anyone else in his family that helps Lucius gets through everything. It is the Lovegood girl who sees more than she lets on, and is always living between the worlds that once were and that are yet to come. Luna doesn't judge Lucius, Luna doesn't lie to him that everything is going to be alright. Luna is there, sitting next to Lucius, letting him she also knows what it's like to wake up from your own nightmares screaming. Or when the slightest sound makes you jump, and your heart starts beating faster, and you feel like dying. Except you don't die, you just feel horrible and everyone's looking at you like you're crazy.

And maybe you are, just a little bit because how could you not be after everything you've been through? Sometimes people are trying to be nice to you, but it just makes you want to cry – cry out of frustration, out of fear, out of a reason you can't even name. And the tears make people to go away, to be clueless because they have no idea how much you've suffered and how they could help you.

We'll get through this together, Luna says, and Lucius almost believes in her. Almost.